Who invited HIM? » Weight Loss

Reese Still Crying Chanel Tears

bradcerenzia — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 15:45:00 +0000

I’m sitting at the cafe that I like to go to every now and again when Goldie and I meet up for a light lunch. Goldie doesn’t mind that I’m typing furiously into my SideKick (the one I ‘borrowed’ from PH), because she just had botox injections and entertains herself by chomping loudly on fresh, crisp lettuce. “I can hear it but I can’t feel it!” she keeps saying. God, what’s in that botox? But I have nothing bad to say about Miss G because she saved my life not once, but twice. That’s a story for another day.

The waiter just refilled my iced tea and brought G another “iced tea” as well. But again, nothing bad to say and I won’t say anything else. It’s just that … well, she was just really mean to Reese, and I adore her (Reese … well, both G and Reese, but Reese more because we really get each other, you know?). You know the one thing about Reese that I find the most endearing is that her enthusiasm is real. She doesn’t need Method or Scientology or Kalalblalallah to express her true inner self, which can best be described as a cheerleader who just won State. Goldie (who I also adore, of course, and not just because she saved my life) notices Reese coming over to the table to say hi to me and, rolls her eyes and says loudly so even the cooks could hear her, “Oh gosh, where’s your Chanel dress? Did Kirsten Dunst spill something on it or did they finally pass it on to someone else? A crossing guard? A homeless person perhaps? A tranny hooker? Who was next in line for that thing anyway?” And then she laughs really hard and keeps banging the table with her open palm until everyone is looking. Reese just made a run for the bathroom, tears starting to well. I hope I can capture all this on the tiny little SideKick pad!

“Goldie, you can be so mean some time. I don’t know how Kurt puts up with you,” I said, in an accusatory voice. The whole horrible story is that Chanel gave Reese a dress to wear that Kirsten Dunst wore just three years before, and they told Reese it was vintage.

“It’s because I PUT OUT for him!” she (kind of) slurred, the emphasis completely wrong in her retort. But she found that funny as well, and returned to banging the table and laughing.

I grabbed my stuff excused myself and headed to the back to find a collapsed Reese in the phone nook. “Listen, we’ve all been diddled by Chanel and humiliated by Goldie. It’s a rite of passage in this day and age. They’re both practically Wal-Mart brands anyway, so what does it matter?” She looked up, wiped the mascara off and said, “Really?” “Of course. And next year when you win, which you will again, next year you get to choose your designer.” I pulled her up gave her a little hug, and she escaped out the back through the kitchen. I headed back to the table.

“Hey, where’d Pointy McChin go?” Goldie asked?

“Oh she’s on her way to film a movie. How about you? How’s your career going, Goldilocks? Book anything lately that didn’t cast you as an ex-wife, living or dead? Oh that’s right, you did that infomercial for VIBErant(tm) hair care products. It was very nice, really. I saw it on late late late one night on … I think it was UPN or WB. You looked so … thin … then.”

Goldie likes a good jab and knows when to shut up. I went back to chewing my sandwich, Goldie went back to crunching her lettuce. “I just can’t believe how loud this sounds in my ears!” I’m thinking the same thing, Goldie. And we should have gone to IHOP.

Thinking God Thoughts

bradcerenzia — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 15:19:56 +0000

I’m sorry that I’ve been out of touch the last few days. I finally tracked down Paris. She never did find that club, and she refused to go on the ‘PovBoat‘, as she called it, when they were evacuating Lebanon. “I am not even INTO chicks anyway, that was just to turn on some hot boys!” Ugh, Paris, I don’t know whether to give you a hug or snap your neck and put you out of our misery. Wow. Listen to me! This is what happens when I skip carbs in morning. Demi was right – you really have to watch your bran intake as you get on in years.

I was able to find a taxi driver that we had to pay $1600 EACH to for a quick escape out of Lebanon. Paris kept wanting to stop to shop, however. Finally I gave up and slipped her (another) Xanax after the third time she screamed, “STOP!” outside yet another boutique that had been bombed. “Paris, it’s burning,” I said. Her reply? “In a war zone you can get crazy good deals on couture!”

While we’re on that topic of flying covertly into a war torn country, risking your life to track down a friend, and finally rescuing your friend and expecting at least a thank you, can I just say that Paris Hilton is a BFFW – a Best Friends Forever WHORE! The whole time on the private jet back, she talked on the SkyPhone to You Know Who. And she actually asked me if I’d go get her some warm peanuts from the galley. And a diet coke. She can be so insensitive sometimes. So I slipped her another Xanax and called it even.

Looking back I feel so foolish – all the “friends” around her who she just burns through like Whitney on a bender. I guess I was blinded by happiness … I thought I really was her BFF. Now I’m just another person in the background of some spontaneous porn video or lewd party photo. But I’m glad I got her back home to her real friends safely, and that makes me a better friend than she’ll ever be or ever have again.

I’m just another name programmed on her speed dial, sure to disappear the next time she loses her SideKick.

Nicole’s taking me on a cruise … if she becomes a fatty!

bradcerenzia — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 07:17:12 +0000

Apparently Nicole’s dad, Lionel, thinks she’s too thin and we’re to blame. She just called me and told me that he said if she put on some “meat” that she’d get a free trip on a yacht. That really pisses me off. All this time we’re doing all the hard work to at least make her presentable to Paris and then he goes and tells her to go buffet. Just wait, Mister Richie. You won’t be so happy when it’s only a maternity dress that fits her … sans child … and the only person who will be around to clean up her too-late-but-A-for-effort binges will be Brittany. Murphy, not Spears.

PS – Check out her glasses – she TOTALLY ripped off that style from me. Grr. I snuck light syrup in place of the heavy syrup on her pancakes when she wasn’t looking so she’ll have to try extra hard to gain weight. Shit. Now I might not get the cruise. And speaking of Cruise … he just got back from the Carribean with some Rusty Limberger … Limebag … I dunno. Apparently this dude can’t keep it up and needs little pills to help. How he get his dick to take them I’ll never know. But Cruise said he’d fill me in as soon as they got back. I haven’t heard from him. I hope he’s okay! Every time I call I worry that Katie is gunna pick up. And that wouldn’t be good for anybody. Cruise is afraid she’ll find out the truth about the baby and disappear, like in some movie or something. I’d pay $8 to watch that.

Betcha Didn’t Know: Top 5 Secrets @ The View

bradcerenzia — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 08:38:14 +0000

1. Barbara Walters‘ speech impediment is fake. She made it up at a college party as a gag when drunk – but her friends loved it so she kept it!

2. Elizabeth Hasselbeck drinks the blood of orphans before each show along with a danish (low carb please!!!) while singing the national anthem in reverse. Guess who she voted for … twice! Too many “love punches” from her Dubby hubby?

3. You lose 2500 brain cells each episode you watch, but they’re from the ‘childrearing’ portion of the brain and are mostly fatty cells … so you’re actually losing weight!

4. Starr Jones is a hologram developed by the good folks at Payless and Burger King to send out subliminal messages every time she refers to herself as a lawyer

5. Rosie O demands a fresh koosh ball at the beginning of each show, which mysteriously disappears from her dressing room and reappears after the show, sticky and much less “kooshy”.