Paris in Bed with ME!

bradcerenzia — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 18:12:30 +0000

PH called me yesterday after reading about my going to IHOP with Nicole. Apparently she wasn’t too happy and I was “summoned” to her apartment. I thought she was going to cry like last time and beg for my friendship (“No one understands what it’s like to be meeee but you!”) but instead when I got there, she just had a terry cloth robe on and said, “Come on, let’s go make popcorn!” I guess she wasn’t that pissed after all. She just needed someone who liked her. And these days those are getting fewer and farther between.

It’s not her fault, really. Her parents did the best they could with what they had to work with. All the private nannies, the tutors, the swiss boarding school (PH calls it a BOREDing school), the plastic surgery to try to correct her Dougherty Syndrome (one eye lower than the other, named after the foundation Shannon Dougherty started to combat this silent but deadly career killer) … nothing seemed to make PH any smarter.

So there we are, two best friends, lying in bed eating popcorn and sharing a tear over Pretty Woman (PH really gets it … more than anyone will never know!!!) and I made a joke about PH‘s new meds and how now I’m going to call her PH Balanced. She laughed really hard and vodka came out her nose, and I don’t even think she got the science reference. Oh well. That’s what best friends are for – to love and hug and tease! Proof: I’ve included a picture from a time when PH played a little joke on ME, going out in public with my name on her shirt! I love that she wore those hideous UGG boots she bought on eBay and used the wrong form of “your”. I think she did that on purpose because she knows I’m “grammar fragile.” Maybe secretly, deep deep deep (like really really deep) down, she’s smarter than we all could ever imagine.

Nicole’s taking me on a cruise … if she becomes a fatty!

bradcerenzia — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 07:17:12 +0000

Apparently Nicole’s dad, Lionel, thinks she’s too thin and we’re to blame. She just called me and told me that he said if she put on some “meat” that she’d get a free trip on a yacht. That really pisses me off. All this time we’re doing all the hard work to at least make her presentable to Paris and then he goes and tells her to go buffet. Just wait, Mister Richie. You won’t be so happy when it’s only a maternity dress that fits her … sans child … and the only person who will be around to clean up her too-late-but-A-for-effort binges will be Brittany. Murphy, not Spears.

PS – Check out her glasses – she TOTALLY ripped off that style from me. Grr. I snuck light syrup in place of the heavy syrup on her pancakes when she wasn’t looking so she’ll have to try extra hard to gain weight. Shit. Now I might not get the cruise. And speaking of Cruise … he just got back from the Carribean with some Rusty Limberger … Limebag … I dunno. Apparently this dude can’t keep it up and needs little pills to help. How he get his dick to take them I’ll never know. But Cruise said he’d fill me in as soon as they got back. I haven’t heard from him. I hope he’s okay! Every time I call I worry that Katie is gunna pick up. And that wouldn’t be good for anybody. Cruise is afraid she’ll find out the truth about the baby and disappear, like in some movie or something. I’d pay $8 to watch that.

Who invited HIM? » Nicole Richie

Paris in Bed with ME!

Nicole’s taking me on a cruise … if she becomes a fatty!