‘Pop’ diva Madonna left Malawi today after receiving official permission to adopt a one-year-old boy from the impoverished southern African country.

The first kid that she adopted she threw a “surprise party” for, but as you can see from the video I took at that party, Madonna and the little kid just weren’t clicking (or in Madonna’s case, ‘cliquing’). And no one is to blame, really, except for maybe the kid, but maybe Madonna is a little to blame, too? I don’t know. Can a woman named after the mother of God’s only child really be blamed for anything? It’s a tough call.

After what seemed like 47 hours on Madonna’s cramped little jet, we finally arrived somewhere – I don’t know where, but it looked very much like Utah, and after disembarking, we jumped on the tram (actuallly some mules covered in aluminum foil – were they preheating them to eat??? What kinda place IS THIS???) and were taken to a hangar that had been predecorated to be a mid-to-lower-upper-lower-class living room. And that’s when it happened – she started crying. Not Madonna. She doesn’t cry anymore. Not after … well, anyway, another story, another day. But the child she wanted to adopt, Infinity, just kept going on and on and on. She probably knew it was a setup. It’s not her real birthday, what the fuck is a cake doing in the middle of hanger in Malawi at the Lilongwe Kamuzu International Airport? Madonna didn’t help matters any by doing what she did in the video. I thought it was really uncalled for, but Madonna’s never really been good with girls.

Anyway, I can’t really say anything else as I’m texting this to you from 45,000 feet and Madonna is getting suspicious. Just watch the video and judge for yourself. It’s the same reason why she and Sandra Bernhard aren’t friends any more, actually. That whole “pie in the face” thing except it was technically her “face in the pie” … and I’m just going to leave it at that and let your (sad sick and twisted) imagination run wild. Think south of the border (arrrrrriba!), and I don’t mean Tijuana.

Long story short: I’m sooooo glad she picked the boy instead of the girl – for the girl’s sake! The last thing Madonna needs in her life is someone prettier and younger than her competing for attention. Why do you think I’m never in any photos with her? Some would call it selfish of Madonna, but I prefer to view the situation as monumentally unselfish of me.

Now, I’ve read enough to know that the Evil Eye isn’t like the boogeyman, or Condileeezaaa Rice. It’s more like a wandering, wicked thought that gets caught in our lives, distracts us from truth and love … which technically Condi does, so cancel what I said earlier about her! And I certainly know enough to know it’s not going to swoop down out of the sky and get me, or like one of (I’m sorry, I have to say it!) the cheesy “acrobats” in Madonna’s latest “concert” on those so-obvious wire harnesses. And can I further just say that there’s nothing worse than someone (Madonna) who screws up their whole life (Sean, Warren, Dennis, Sandra), finds religion (Kaballahahaha), and then expects everyone (me) to justify their existence (my honesty can be direct sometimes) through their own microscope’s eye piece (crystals, yarn, pilates). I just personally don’t think a red piece of yarn worn around your wrist can ward of negative energy, regardless of what some secret, old, dusty religious book says or who its followers are (especially important to note is that most of them live in LA!). And I honestly wouldn’t be bothered by this event, except that it’s like the seventh time she has done this to me. And of course I can expect a call on Rosh Hashanah with an apology from the Material Girl (god she hates that label!) and a request for forgiveness from me. And I will forgive her. Not just because she’s Madonna. But because she’s Madonna and because I forgive people. It’s kind of what I do.

So back to the phone call. First of all, I didn’t break up Madonna‘s and Britney‘s friendship – the Kabbalah did. More accurately, the Kabbalah as according to Madonna, who Britney now refers to as Madabbalah – don’t tell Madonna! Britney was vulnerable and needed guidance in her new marriage to Kevin. And who better to give marriage advice than the woman who self published lurid pictures of herself and baudy poetry to her vagina in a book called Sex. Sure, the red Kabbalah red wrist string is like a pay-one-price-ride-all-day pass that gets you into the best parties without having to pay cover or wait in line, but it’s about so much more than that – it’s also about the hosted bar by the pool. But, Britney was born Baptist and you know what they say about those Baptist girls: “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!” Truer words were never spoken. “Except in the Kabbalah,” I imagine Madonna interrupting me to say. And I’d respond, “Yes, Madonna, except in the Kabbalah.” And then I’d probably roll my eyes and she’d see the tail end of it and she’d hit me and say, “You’re an asshole!” But then she’d laugh. And she’d say something mean about Britney’s failing marriage. I know she would because she did it all the time. She actually told me, “Watch the awards show tonight. I’m going to surprise Brit and make out with her. That’s going to piss Kevin off! I can’t wait” And I said, “Madonna, sometimes you really are an Evil Eye, you know that?” And she said, “That’s why I bought Brit the wrist band and not Kevin.” Sometimes Madonna is too smart for her own good.

About Brit’s bad nuptials. Britney said she’s been seeing this “Crystal Lite Coach,” and I was really excited to hear more about it (just think what you could learn!!!) until I found out that it’s actually a “Christian Life Coach” who was helping Britney save her tattered marriage. “I really wanna wurk this owt with Kehvun!” she announced. I couldn’t help but look at that tattered red piece of yarn on my wrist from Madonna. “Yeah, Brit,” I said, “There are some things worth saving, but sometimes you just have to let things go.” And I’d be lying to you if I said that at that very minute that piece of sad, soggy, mystical yarn didn’t come undone on its own and fall onto the coffee table on top of the new Entertainment Weekly … and made a big circle right around the headline, “People and Things We Love Right Now” … and neither Madonna nor Brit was on that list! “Beeep … Listen Brit, I gotta go … it’s You Know Who on the other line …” I said, immitating the callerID beep Brit falls for again and again. She kind of sighed in a drawal and said sadly, “Well, y’all have a good day.” Yeah, Brit, you too. You too.