I can’t believe it was on the market for that long and no one bought it! I told her that she had too many (19!) pictures of the damned tacky bathroom and that she should get some shots of the garage and also the pantry. But you know Starr - you can’t tell her that a bathroom completely gilded in gold is anything but haute couture. Once Barbara Walters complimented it, but she’s so hard to read that it cold have been a jab. “Oh, dis is weewy wuvwee …” Was that an Elmer Fudd impersonation, or is Babs just being … Babs?

One of Starr’s maids actually went blind taking the photos – it was very sad and traumatic for all of us present! She went in the bathroom and closed the door and snapped a shot, and screamed, “¡No pudeo ver! ¡No puedo ver mis chivas! (I can’t see! I can’t see my goats!)” which I thought was in pretty poor taste since Starr said she was a Korean – I thought the maid was making a racial joke! Turns out she’s a Filipina instead, Spanish was a first language, and the bright flash from the camera ricocheted off everything gold in the bathroom providing a terrorizing funhouse experience that caused a flashback to her childhood when she was lost in the mountains with her grandmother during a thunderstorm and lost the entire family herd of chivas, or goats. All of this must stay between us since I’m sure a court case is sure to follow. Promise? Okay. I knew I could trust you.

So, back to pancakes. Starr and I are going to the hospital later – Our Lady of Perpetual Motion I think? – to bring her (now ex-) maid some goat milk and gladiolas. It’s a traditional dish. It’s traDISHional. That’s hilarious. I’ll have to tell her that in braille when I see her! Anywhoo, I’ll let you know how she is.

Her eyes are with the Lord now … and my stomach is going to be with IHOP on the way to the hospital, so I better hit the road. Being kind and visiting the needy really takes a lot out of a person!

I hope they have fresh strawberries.

2. Elizabeth Hasselbeck drinks the blood of orphans before each show along with a danish (low carb please!!!) while singing the national anthem in reverse. Guess who she voted for … twice! Too many “love punches” from her Dubby hubby?

3. You lose 2500 brain cells each episode you watch, but they’re from the ‘childrearing’ portion of the brain and are mostly fatty cells … so you’re actually losing weight!

4. Starr Jones is a hologram developed by the good folks at Payless and Burger King to send out subliminal messages every time she refers to herself as a lawyer

5. Rosie O demands a fresh koosh ball at the beginning of each show, which mysteriously disappears from her dressing room and reappears after the show, sticky and much less “kooshy”.

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