I admit it, Adam - I gave her the wrong phone number to call into your show because frankly I knew what kind of emotional land mines were ahead of her (the entertainment industry can be so cruel – believe me!), and I had just spent two hours showing her how to put on mascara correctly (Maria Shriver tried to teach her, but really … ), and I didn’t want to spend two more of my hours reapplying after you made her cry. But I guess a father bird can only keep his little chick safe for so long before they have to fly alone into the big scary world. She kept calling the number I gave her (a delicious teriyaki joint down the street – Ann needs some meat on those bones of hers) and asking for you, but they kept putting her on hold.

And I hope you feel even worse after reading this entry in Ann’s super secret diary that I took and copied when she wasn’t looking:

Thursday, July 6, 2006
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got up, took my pills, adam’s apple getting smaller. speaking of adams, i’m going to be on the radio tomorrow. can’t wait! still trying the ‘ann is a bitch’ routine – i hope people get it soon. seems like it’s not really making the splash i hoped. little nervous, but it’s adam corolla and he’s pretty cool – i’m sure he gets it. he’s also kind of hunky in that fred flintstone kinda way. or is that barney rubble? hmm … i wonder if all the cavemen were that sexy back then? well, now that my dick is gone (hooray!!!), i guess my man-on-man thoughts are officially heterosexual - take that mom! take that dad! anywhoo … today i donated some old clothes to the homeless shelter down the street next to that great teriyaki place and then volunteered to pre-chew food for the elderly at Our Lady of Old Misery for a couple hours until I bit my tongue and it wouldn’t stop bleeding – turns out i accidentally chewed mrs harrington’s blood thinner pills!!! eeek! i hope they don’t make my adams apple get bigger again! LOL brad‘s coming over and we’re going to ihop then we’re off to Buena Vista to talk about hosting a new children’s show. i hear nicole richie is up for the part too, but brad said she’s probably going into rehab again (codename: caribbean vacation) so she’ll be out of the running. good. she’s almost as pretty as me. as i. LOL what’s the grammar rule there??? anywhoozle, fingers crossed! best friends forever! you’re the only one I can trust, diary! ps – sorry so sloppy! i poked myself in the eye with the mascara pen (again!!!). must have been a man who invented it! LOL
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So bravo, Mister Adam Corolla. If your job was to make Ann cry and buy her a one-way ticket to BulemiaLand for the weekend, I can only say “job well done.” I ask you … what did she ever do to you – or to anyone else, for that matter? Good day, sir. I said good day!