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Archive for July, 2006

Condi’s Big Movement Thrills, Chills Spectators

Condi called me just moments before she was to go on stage. “I don’t think I can do this,” she said, her breaths short and fast. “Condi, take a couple deep gulps of air, pretend you’re in Dubya’s arms on that sunny beach you both like so much.” I heard a long exhale, then a [...]

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Thinking God Thoughts

I’m sorry that I’ve been out of touch the last few days. I finally tracked down Paris. She never did find that club, and she refused to go on the ‘PovBoat‘, as she called it, when they were evacuating Lebanon. “I am not even INTO chicks anyway, that was just to turn on some hot [...]

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6 Things You Didn’t Know About Johnny Depp

- Arrested for being in a fight with paparazzis in front of a restaurant in London. [Should've just let me take the picture of your damned kids - sheesh!] – Shares a birthday with Michael J. Fox and Natalie Portman. [but not very well ... and he always buys them scarves and ties] – Is [...]

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Psst … His Bulldog’s Ready for an Open Bar … Pass it On!

I’ve been trying to reach PH since yesterday and I’m kind of worried. I bet she lost her SideKick again. She left it in my car last time and I was going through it and looking at the pictures and I found that she didn’t keep any of the ones of us that we took [...]

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TomKat EXCLUSIVE – WORLD’S 1st PIX of “BABY” LEAKED!

Ugh. I told them this would never work, but Tom just can’t think beyond one manic minute to the next and it’s not like he ever really listens anyway. I’m over at their house sitting on their plastic-covered couch (apparently TomCat is worried I’ll get the poltergeist souls of dead aliens all over everything) and [...]

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Christie Brinkley in Tears, Wipes Them on Her Sleeve

Today I was supposed to go with Courtney Love to what we call “pancake rehab” (IHOP) and she’s really fussy if I don’t show up when I tell her I’m going to pick her up, but with traffic in LA and that stupid slow Starbucks drive-through near her house (I have to bring her a [...]

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Jenny+Jim+Jorge Kloset Kiss Skandal!

Jenny parked the car at the party in Malibu tonight because she doesn’t trust the valets and Jim doesn’t tip the valets anyway. That continues to be a stupid point of contention between them. So there I am sitting in the back of her icky green Le Sabre listening to them bicker in their stupid [...]

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YKW Rips Wig Off Granny’s Head, Passes Out with Bette

I got a call at two-thrity this morning from You Know Who (YKW). “I can’t sleep,” she said. “Yeah, that makes two of us now.” “Huh?” she replied, like she didn’t know she woke me up or that civilized people are in bed at two-thirty in the morning, at least on a Monday. “I was [...]

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Ann Coulter Gets Feeling(s?) Hurt

Damn it, Adam Carolla! Now that you’ve got your stupid ass radio show you think you can big-time anyone you want and be such a jerk because it gets such good ratings, but did you have to be so damned mean to little Ann? You should have heard Ann Coulter sobbing in the bathroom after [...]

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BREAKING: Janice Dickinson Crushes Pedestrians, Hope

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Cali. (AP) – An 89-year-old woman passing through a crowd at a gay summer music festival in West Hollywood panicked after striking one pedestrian and his poodle and lurched through the throng of thongs, injuring 17 people, before finally getting into her car, officials said. The rest were non-life-threatening injuries. The driver, Janice [...]

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I broke up the Madonna-Britney friendship

Madonna just left the worst message on my answering machine. I can’t believe it. I am stunned. The only thing I could think to do was hop on my laptop and jot down my first, most primal and honest thoughts. Madonna just said that she is mentally snipping in half the (tattered) piece of red [...]

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Heather Locks Lips with Less-than Latino Lover and LOVES It

Heather! Word on the street is that you’ve been spending a lot of time with David “Finch” Spade – a well-dressed boy and possibly a member of a Hollywood Gay Mafia. And imagine my (tasteful) surprise and (delicate) confusion when you showed up to my pool party dressed like a chola and with a HUGE [...]

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Paris in Bed with ME!

PH called me yesterday after reading about my going to IHOP with Nicole. Apparently she wasn’t too happy and I was “summoned” to her apartment. I thought she was going to cry like last time and beg for my friendship (“No one understands what it’s like to be meeee but you!”) but instead when I [...]

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Nicole’s taking me on a cruise … if she becomes a fatty!

Apparently Nicole’s dad, Lionel, thinks she’s too thin and we’re to blame. She just called me and told me that he said if she put on some “meat” that she’d get a free trip on a yacht. That really pisses me off. All this time we’re doing all the hard work to at least make [...]

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Betcha Didn’t Know: Top 5 Secrets @ The View

 1. Barbara Walters‘ speech impediment is fake. She made it up at a college party as a gag when drunk – but her friends loved it so she kept it! 2. Elizabeth Hasselbeck drinks the blood of orphans before each show along with a danish (low carb please!!!) while singing the national anthem in reverse. [...]

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WET PaRtY at the haunted Roosevelt Hotel (did he sleep there?)

I didn’t really want to go out today but You Know Who made me to out with her to show off the new dog she got. I tried to tell her that people just don’t do doggy purses anymore but she just broke up with You Know Who Else and so it’s either drag along [...]

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Welcome to whoinvitedHIM.com!

So I’m at this party the other day at an Italian restaurant (no names – but it ends in “Garden” … don’t hate me because I’m rich white trash!) and I’m telling this hilarious story about the Bush Twins – turns out they’re not really twins and that one of them was just slow (daddy’s [...]

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